Anime Theatre Presents; The Enchanted Princess
by Yami no Miko
Summary: My little Trigun/Slayers crossover Interpretation of the classic German tale "The Enchanted Princess". I suggest you read, it's not exactly your classic fairy tale. Usual Yami-chan oddness ensues


The Enchanted Princess (Anime style)  
  
as interpreted by Yami-chan  
  
Disclaimer: What do I own? Seriously. Just my eternal soul (and barely). I don't own Vash, Knives, Lina Inverse, Richard Simmons, Bambi, Barney or the dragons. Also, the bees, ducks, and ants are all owned by Disney. ::grins:: Oh, I also don't own The Enchanted Princess.  
  
Author's Note: This is basically a parody of a famous German fairytale (less known than all those Aesop fables- yuck!), so if you don't like those things, don't read. Save me a flame. This doesn't have any of those stupid morals, unless you can count, "Only you can prevent Richard Simmons attacks" as a moral. Which I do. Also, I'd like to thank my cousin, Q.T. Stocks, who lives in New York.   
  
Second Author's Note: Okay, be happy peoples. Less than two months 'till I can get my learner's permit! That doesn't have anything to do with the story, but on August 26, I can learn to drive.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Once, there was a craftsman who had two sons. He was poor, and, unfortunately, very stupid. For one son was nice and the other a real pain in the butt. Can you guess which was his favorite? That's right. The pain in the butt (you thought it would be the nice son, didn't you?). The mean one's name was Helmrich, but we know him as Knives, and the nice one was really Hans, but for this, he's Vash.  
  
Time passed, and, as happens with the very stupid, the craftsman learned that he had been giving more than he had been getting. He was in the negative income. He decided that he had to do something about that, and so he set out to bug his customers so that they would pay him their bills. He decided to be polite, but firm. So, off he went each morning, knocking on his customer's doors and asking for payment. But, as is always with the stupid, he believed them when they constantly told him that they were just getting in the shower. As was said before, he was very stupid.  
  
So, one night, being in a really bad mood from not getting paid, he decided not to return home, for he couldn't bear to see his wife's sad face. He sat outside a bar, unable to go inside and join in the inebriated cheer, and so he sat outside.  
  
However, as is often the case, just because he wasn't inside didn't mean that he couldn't listen to the conversations that occured within. This particular day, he heard a stranger who had just come from a large city, telling some sort of story. At first he only listened with half-heartedly, then his interest grew a little and he listened with one ear, but soon curiosity won out and he was intently listening to the stranger.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Pepper: Stop right there, Yami-chan!  
  
Yami-chan: What?  
  
Pepper: You're ruining a perfectly good story! And one that I've loved my whole life!  
  
Yami-chan: Soda-cans have lives?  
  
Pepper: I am not a can of soda! ::mumbles something::  
  
Yami-chan: What was that?   
  
Pepper: Go ahead and ruin the frickin' story, idiot.  
  
Yami-chan: Thank you, I will. I love German fairy tales, even if they do have all that stupid princess mumbo-jumbo just like all the rest.  
  
Pepper: Just get on with the bloody fanfic!  
  
Yami-chan: 'Kay.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Where was I? Ah yes, soon the craftsman was listening to every word the stranger said. The stranger was saying that a king's lovely young daughter had been laid undera spell and taken hostage till someone came who could pass three tests. If anyone did manage to pass the tests, the king promised that he should have the lovely princess' hand in marriage, the castle, and all the neat junk inside.  
  
When the idiot heard this, he immediately thought of his son Helm- er, Knives, and knew the smart young chap could do it. In the fairy tale, it says that the boy could shave a billy goat's beard if asked to, but then P.E.T.A. would be on my ass, so let's just say he could pick out his own dad in a lineup and call that clever, shall we?  
  
The craftsman knew that his son could pass the tests. And then, he would marry the lovely princess and become lord of the land. What fun! He could ride over the land in an A.T.V. and make fun of poor people! He was determined to have a son for a king.   
  
So, the craftsman forgot all his sorrows and the money people owed him and hurried home to tell his wife the news. But first he jumped in a horse trough to make his excuse that he had been swept away by a river and was late for that work. The next morning, after his pissed wife had beaten the crap out of him, he told his son Knives about it, and Knives said he would try his luck. His father gave him a horse, a sword, pistols, and fine clothes, for he was scared a duck would mug him. I told you he was an idiot, but I forgot he was crazy. He was.  
  
As he left, Knives promised, in these words "I shall come back for thee (they talked funny back then) with a carriage and six horses, and fetch thee and they stupid brother, "and he shot Vash a dirty glare. He already felt like a king.  
  
Helm- Knives! Knives, though high-spirited, was a mean guy, and he vented his anger in the only way he could before roadkill was invented: he took it out on harmless little animals (protect me from P.E.T.A.!). He threw things, usually heavy things, at the birds in the trees, once proving that you CAN kill two birds with one stone. In the book the birds are Christian, so I'll just churn out all the holy crap (and you can't flame me for taking out God-loving pigeons! So ha!). And so he was on the whole journey. Not one little animal that he saw was left alone. Which was bad, because Bambi came by looking all cute. That really made Knives angry. I won't go into the gorry details, let's just say that Bambi ain't crying over his mother anymore.  
  
~*~*~*~*~Warning! Skim Past This Part if you Like Ducks, Bees, or Ants!~*~*~*~  
  
When he saw an ant heap, he rode his horse at it and made him trample it; then, when the angry ants (I'd be pissed, too!) climbed onto the horse and him and started biting him and shit, he squashed and killed them all.   
  
A little later, he came upon a pond on which twelve cute little duckeys were swimming. He lured the sweet little things to shore, then broke all their necks but one, because the lucky little bastard escaped. This guy just had something against furry and fuzzy little woodland creatures, I guess.  
  
Then, he came upon a hive of bees and destroyed it, getting his evil ass stung in the process. His greatest pleasure was not to protect innocent creatures (obviously!), but to torment them adn destroy them out of sheer spitefulness and nastiness. Not a people person.  
  
~*~*~*~You May Now Continue Reading If You Like Ducks, Bees, or Ants!~*~*~*~  
  
  
In the evening, as the sun was going down, he reached a splendid (impressive) castle in which the enchanted princess was being held prisoner. He knocked loudly on the gate. There was no reply. He banged again, starting to get a little pissed (run, furry woodland creatures!), and in the end of the gate a little shutter opened and an old lady with a face the color of cobwebs (I guess that's gray, I never really looked at the things). She looked out and grumpily asked what the little bugger wanted.  
  
"I've come to free the princess," Knives said, his eyes turning into the double-dollar signs, "Open up, go on, hurry up!"  
  
"Not so fast, tomorrow will do! I shall expect ye here at nine o'clock." She looked at the young man's face, then said, "A.M." Then, the little gate shut.  
  
The next morning at nine, the crone was waiting outside the gate. When she saw Knives coming but knew he couldn't see her, she quickly flipped him the bird, then scattered a jug full of linseed over a stretch of grass. I'm not sure what linseed is, so we'll say she scattered a jug of... um... oh! Marbles! It's impossible to find all the marbles once you're done playing!  
  
Anyway, she scattered the jug of marbles and said, "Now pick all these marbles up. I'll be back in an hour to see how you did."  
  
"What!!?? You spilled the things, pick them up yourself!" Knives responded.  
  
"Are you retarded," she said,"This is a bloody test! Dolt!"  
  
"I'm not gonna pick up your stupid freakin' marbles up." With that, he turned his back.  
  
"I'm going, pick them all up!" She huffed away, without waiting for his reply, which was, actually, just a snort.  
  
Instead of picking all the marbles up, Knives enjoyed himself thoroughly chucking them at birds. Poor, poor birds.  
  
When the old lady came back, she saw that most of the marbles were gone, but also noticed that the jar was empty. "Damn, " she muttered to herself, "those were five pounds."  
  
"Follow me, " she said to him, and led him to a pond. Presently, she took out twelve golden bowls and threw them into the lake, where they sank to the bottom.  
  
"Now," she said, pointing at the water, "go in and fetch them. I'll be back in an hour's time, and don't piss it away again!"  
  
As soon as she was gone, Knives took some of the marbles he had smuggled out of his pocket and killed a few frogs, some ducks, and (with good aim) a dragonfly or two.  
  
Again, the woman returned and was disappointed. It appeared that this guy WAS a half-wit. She just gestured for him to follow, though, and led him to a room where three figures were seated, each with a veil over their face so he couldn't see them.  
  
"One is the princess, and I shall be back in an hour's time to see who you have decided upon." And with that, the old lady was gone yet again. What she did with the three hours she spent to herself, no one knows. Or wants to. But when she returned, Knives was confident on his decision.  
  
"The one furthest left." he said, pointing.  
  
To his immense displeasure, out popped Richard Simmons, who happened to have a tape of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" ::author shudders:: on hand, and popped it in, screaming "Feel the burn!"  
  
Rather than face a fate more horrible than death, Knives presently jumped out the window into an abyss where he was lost forever. It was observed that he was smiling.  
  
At that moment, Barney burst out from under the veil furthest right, an annoyed (if that's possible) look on the purple Evil One's face.  
  
"What was that about, Richard?" the Evil One asked.  
  
"I guess he was just scared to lose a little weight. What a shame." With that, he continued on his little excersing-streak.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Pepper: Alright, Richard Simmons and Barney is enough. What are you doing?  
  
Yami-chan: Well the story had dragons right?  
  
Pepper: Um, yeah.  
  
Yami-chan: Are you really afraid of dragons?  
  
Pepper: No, not really. What's your point?  
  
Yami-chan: Are you scared of Richard Simmons and Barney?  
  
Pepper: L-sama yes. After working out to that bloody "Sweatin' to the Oldies", I had to be put in an institution for a few days.  
  
Yami-chan: Um... while that isn't something I wanted to know about my muse, the point is that the dragons were put in the tale to scare children of that generation. I needed something that was REALLY scary.  
  
Pepper: Point taken. Continue.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Once again, and without further interruption ::glares at Pepper::, we return to our story. Whence we left off, Helm- Knives! It's freakin' Knives! Knives had just jumped out a window to escape the terror that is "Sweatin' to the Oldies" with Barney and Richard Simmons.  
  
A year had passed since then, and poor Vash and his family sat at home, waiting for news from their eldest son. His parents still hoped, but in the end, they could only believe that some terrible accident had happened to him. His father wondered if maybe a squirrel had mugged and killed him. Did I mention that his father was still quite stupid?  
  
"Ah, " his less-than-polite father wailed, "if only it had been clumsy Vash that had gone, then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad!"  
  
"Dad, I'm standing right next to you." Vash said, a vein appearing on his forehead.  
  
"Oh. So you are."  
  
"You know, dad, I was thinking that maybe I would like to go too, and then find out what became of my brother." Vash said, hoping his father would say yes.  
  
"Yeah, sure, knock yourself out",(in the tale, he protests) he said, with a slight wave of the hand,"just don't expect anything. You know, the horse and stuff I gave to Knives."  
  
Vash face faulted, but set off nonetheless, undaunted by the hardships ahead of him.   
  
At this time, I would like it to be known that Vash was a lot nicer to his animal counterparts than his predecessor.   
  
He walked along the road he took for three days before he came upon the castle. He was not afraid at all. At night, he slept on the soft green moss as soundly as when at home in his bed (which was more or less moss anyway). Nor were the birds frightened of him. Quite the opposite. They flocked to him and sang their songs for him, perching on any available space on him (which left quite a mess, I'll tell you). When he passed the ant heap, the one which Knives had destroyed, he saw the ants still working to repare it (they were slower back in those days, I guess. I mean, they couldn't, in a whole year, fix the outer part of a nest?) and even bent down to try and help them. Those that crawled up his arm by mistake were swatted away harmlessly as he danced and screamed (I had ants crawl up my legs once, and those little fuckers died. Teach those little bastards to attack me). When he came to the pond, he called the ducks to the bank and shared the remains of his bread with them. And when he saw the bees, he was too busy running and screaming to notice that he dropped a bunch of flowers in front of the hive or bother them.  
  
Then, happy that he was alive and had escaped the clutches of the underpants gnomes... er, that he was free, he reached the castle and knocked quite politely on the gate, that is to say, he did the little "shave and a haircut". The shutter thing opened and the old lady asked what he wanted.  
  
"If I am not too humble a person," said Hans-er, Vash, "I would very much like to try and rescue the princess."  
  
At once, the crone opened the gate. "Yeah, suit yourself. Say, you look a lot like that guy..." she trailed off, but Vash didn't notice.  
  
So, she put him to the first test. She scattered a NEW bunch of marbles (which cost another five pounds) on the ground and told him to pick them up. She told him she would be back in an hour, by which time he must be finished. Vash was not lazy (contrary to what most people believe) and he worked swimmingly (I've always wanted to use that word ::grins::) for three-quarters of an hour. He then looked at the jug and saw that is barely had the bottom covered. Those marbles were slippery little buggars. Vash was on the point of running like a baby when two ants came and picked up marbles (they're really strong, remember?) and carried them into the jar, then more and more ants came until the ground was black with them. Or red, if you live near fire ants.  
  
When the old woman came, the jug was full and she smiled at Vash, saying "This is good".   
  
Then came the test with the twelve bowls, which she threw into the pond as she had many times before for the many men who came to seek the princess. Vash dived for the bowls in vain, and knew that he couldn't do it. He was about to beat an escape, just as before, when he noticed that the ducks he had fed were gathered in the pond and had dived and each held a bowl. They threw them at him, each hitting him in the head. After all, the lucky duck remembered that he looked like Knives. You'd do the same thing, admit it. Except I'd put broken glass on the edges.  
  
Again the woman smiled when she came and saw this and said, "That is good, very good."  
  
Then came the hardest test. He didn't know that two of the "princesses" were Richard Simmons, he thought them to be dragons. All of sudden, as he was alone, the bees from the hive, remembering his "gift" of the flowers, swam around the furthest to the left. A third of the bees died suddenly, dropping where they flew and incinerating as soon as they hit the ground in a plume of green smoke. They went to the other end and another third of them died. Instead, they circled around the middle girl and stayed there, for she was fond of honey and most likely smelled of it.  
  
When the old woman came back, he told her he thought it was the middle, and Richard Simmons and the Evil One threw off their veils (although Richard kept his, thinking that it was very pretty) and ran out, sweating to the oldies ::author shudders again::.   
  
Then, the real princess threw off her veil. It was Lina Inverse. At this, Vash face faulted.   
  
"Um, shouldn't a princess be... more developed?"  
  
At this, Lina gave Vash a well-directed fireball. He was still cute, though, even burned to a crisp.  
  
Vash hastened to send the fastest coach with the six best horses in the castle, which was now his, and had it to bring his parents. He was nicer than most, because he wanted to have his parents here to share the wealth, even if they WOULD only use the power to drive A.T.V.'s and make fun of the common people. Personally, I would've sent the coach to make fun of them. But that's just me, and I'm evil. So, Vash and his parents and Lina, his new bride..........................  
  
  
  
You were expecting me to say "Lived happily ever after", weren't you? I hate stories that end like that. So, I'll tell you how they really lived.  
  
Vash's parents, as expected, lived happily ever after, staying in the palace and one day, as they were sitting to reubens (my favorite German dish, yum), Knives came crashing into the room. It seemed the abyss found its end in the tea room.  
  
Vash and Lina, both wanderers by nature, wandered off, Lina fighting bandits and collecting treasure she didn't need and Vash righting the wrongs of the road. They both lived to see 20 years of each other as husband and wife, then Lina died in a failed Dragon Slave that took her and the rest of the 10-mile radius. Vash didn't survive the Dragon Slave, but they had both lived long, happy lives. And, I guess that's the end of this story.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Alright, peoples, this is my adaptation of "The Enchanted Princess", and it strays a bit from the actual story in places. If you want the story, I believe it's written down in a good book called "German Folk and Fairy Tales". It's an old book, published in the 60's, but it's a good read. And please, r/r. Thanx!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
